I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
