You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
