I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
