I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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