He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
