i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
