i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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