If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Randomize
