if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I want a musical about memes.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
