Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
