"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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