We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
