I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
im about as happy as oj after his trial
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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