I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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