Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
