I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Banned from zoo.
Again?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I didn't notice because vodka
Randomize
