I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
