I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
