Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
