her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
