Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
