The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
