I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
