never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
