I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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