If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
