My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
