You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
