you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
