Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
