I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You smell like stripper and shame
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
