his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
