I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
one might say we're banned from that church
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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