he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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