2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
