He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
