it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
