dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
