she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
