I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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