My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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