can we get nightvision for the apartment?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
