Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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