Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
