I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize