Welp...herpes.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
