it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
