I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
