I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
