Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
