I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
