shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
