So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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