he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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