My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
