there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
