there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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