He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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