Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
