i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
