This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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