Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
