My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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